It’s Time to Flip a Bitch!

So I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’ve contracted a nasty virus.

Now, as much as I’d love to place the blame entirely on the rascally other party, I must first take ownership of the situation. Guilty as charged. I’ve been knocking about for a while now, frequenting all kinds of questionable addresses without so much as a thought of proper protection.

But oh, did I pay for it.

Yesterday afternoon, I found myself squirming in my chair after catching a glimpse of the carnage. It was all too raw to conduct a full inspection, so I stormed into the living room to consult Mumsy and one of our oldest friends, Jules, about damage control.

“Ladies,” I announced, “I was utterly screwed last night. And now I’ve discovered my privates are running rampant with a nasty virus. Any suggestions?”

“Where on earth do you find these men?” Mumsy scolded.

“No, not those privates,” I clarified. “My private files. My computer has a virus.”
(Technically it was Mumsy’s computer, which I’d commandeered, but let’s not split hairs.)

“I take it you backed everything up?” she asked.

“Well… no. Which means I’ve lost everything.”

Jules entered the conversation calmly. “You should pray about it and think positive thoughts. There are always positives.”

This was unsurprising. I swear both her knees had more calluses than an up-and-coming porn star’s.

“I do have a spare laptop you can have,” she added. “I’ll drop it over tomorrow.”

“I could really do with that,” I said, gratefully.

“See?” Jules smiled. “There’s a positive already.” She then squished me to her bosom and prayed for further silver linings to reveal themselves.

Jules had an extraordinary ability to flip perspective, which always reminded me of a phrase my American friend once taught me. I’d picked him up in the middle of the night, and there he was in the passenger seat, scanning the footpath for twenty-four-hour bottle shops, furious at Australia’s drinking laws.

Suddenly he shouted, “STOP! Flip a bitch!”

At first I thought he was instructing me to run over two women huddled on the sidewalk. It wasn’t until he lunged for the steering wheel that I realised he meant what we call a U-turn.

That’s what Jules did with life. She flipped a bitch on it.

“I guess it could be worse,” I offered, testing her philosophy. “I could’ve been exposed to the canned variety of spam.” We both nodded solemnly.

This modest shift in optimism was enough to send me back to assess the damage. Approaching it like checking a patient’s nappy post-enema, I turned my head slightly, squinted, and inspected the scene using only my peripheral vision.

The computer had been almost entirely wiped clean. Hundreds of files gone. And yet, astonishingly, the only four that hadn’t been held ransom for $850 were the very ones I couldn’t bear to lose. My cookbook. The cookbook photos. My children’s books.

All spared because I’d shut the computer down mid-night.

For this, I must thank Mumsy. If she hadn’t uploaded album upon album of holiday photos and set them to cycle in blinding high definition as a screensaver, my descent into sleep might not have been interrupted. Turning off that glowing shrine to Pisa must have halted the final moments of the heist.

Feeling deeply grateful, I decided to flip the situation entirely by listing the positives.

1. I am now the proud owner of another laptop. It takes over ten minutes to boot, but much like an old flame who smoked alarming quantities of pot, what it lacks in start-up vigour it makes up for in size. Just yesterday, it vanished entirely into the folds of a decorative throw. A decorative throw.

2. This laptop is wonderfully lightweight. My old one left dents in my thighs so severe I’d limp off to fetch drinks. This new arrangement allows me to Google freely, without fear of DVTs.

3. The greatest gift, however, is the screensaver. Instead of Mumsy posing with European landmarks, Jules has set it to cycle inspirational quotes. Last night I returned to: Don’t waste your time on revenge. Those who hurt you will eventually face their karma.

4. Finally, the virus provided a much-needed distraction from my love life. I’d reached a point where the only romance I’d experienced recently involved Mumsy accidentally throwing a leg over me in her sleep. I let her keep it there, which is never a good sign.

That reminder brought another screensaver to mind. Love is for giving, love is forgiving. I felt a small flare of warmth in my chest.

This bitch has officially been flipped.

Photo by Instagram @lit2last