My two sisters are both married off, in the biblical sense. After much holiday-season sleuth work, I believe I’ve uncovered the obvious link between them and successful lock-down.
They’re into craft.
Allow me to explain.
In the company of either sister, remaining stationary for more than five minutes carries a serious risk of being measured for a felt jumper, or worse, drafted into one of their crafting campaigns. This fondness for fashioning posies out of crepe paper is impressive, and I’m beginning to suspect it may hold the key to a husband.
To support my theory, I’ve formulated an equation:
craft = trigger for home-cooked-meal imagery in the male brain = courtship = home-cooked meals = marriage proposal.
As much as the male species may recoil at lace-trimmed pen holders, the benefits appear to outweigh the inconvenience. More alarming still, for those of us who can’t fathom designing our own wrapping paper, Pinterest and Etsy are only widening the husband-nabbing gap.
So I’ve arrived at a conclusion.
If you can’t beat them, scrapbook with them.
As impressive as my older sister Rach’s résumé is, which includes knitting a bath mat out of old T-shirts, I’ve decided to apprentice under my younger sister Jess. She’s crocheted several rugs and can glue things together at a frankly intimidating speed.
I’ll begin my super-gluing, bow-fastening journey to Marriageville by attempting one of Jess’s Christmas triumphs: glass table runners.
For the record, those bonbons are handmade. Handmade. With crowns, toys and handwritten jokes inside.
Motivated by my ticking biological clock, I got straight to work stuffing glasses. I was so proud of my craftsmanship that I felt compelled to name them.
Photos below by Instagram @lit2last.
Instructions:
Take a couple of glasses, add leaves, currants, shrubbery, petals, whatever’s nearby, plus water and a candle. Presto. The ultimate centrepiece slash husband attractor.
I’d say I’m progressing well. Almost to the point of marrying myself. But then I turn to make a coffee, and in the time it takes me to do just that, Jess produces this.
Handmade bath salts.
She must be stopped.
